~secret code stuff~

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Currently (2020) my most updated blog is pinkfeldspar.

Spaz is a useful side blog for sorting other stuff out.

Friday, May 1, 2015

embracing the wolf

Of all the watches I've been on, this one has been the tensest on my family, canceling plans and rearranging some financial priorities. Twiddling our thumbs waiting for results is always the hardest part, but once again, here we are on the other side and everything is going to be fine.

A few years ago I realized my biggest, maybe even my own only real fear is not being finished yet, having to stop, being taken off the game board before I feel like I've done what I came here to do. Realizing THAT was my fear behind everything else, I decided there was nothing that could stop me once I decided I'm the only one who can truly stop me.

Some of you have watched me come back from a dark precipice, a nonlife of near complete nonfunctioning in all ways, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I was nearly beaten down by what I didn't understand. I was given handfuls of narcotics and benzons, pain killers and antidepressants, antispasmodics and anti-epileptics. I learned the art of mixing 'cocktails' and chasing them with OTC potentiators. I spent years legally drugged out of my mind over documented valid excuses.

And it was killing me. There came a year where I knew it was killing me. The meds were actually destroying me faster than the reason I was taking them. Before the final light bulb went out in my collapsing mind, I realized I had to choose- Do I want to live? Am I willing to do what it takes to LIVE? Even if it means I choose more misery than I've already been in up to that point? What am I willing to do to LIVE?

And better yet- What do I have to live for?

Embracing the Wolf