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Thursday, July 27, 2017

when your spoons feel like 2-pronged BBQ forks

Everything is *ow* and slo-mo while the world around feels spinny and objects magically go skidding miles across the floor into awkward places reserved for tiny limber toddlers. Walking is precarious, a grip on anything solid is laughable, and the only thing holding the pain-induced nausea at bay is the thought of some beautiful coffee just around the virtual bend. Everything will be fine once I get through the first 5 minutes of the daily morning spoonie hangover.

This is your brain on spinal spondylosis complicated with some stenosis, severe fibro, actual notated nerve damage in several areas, and a mysterious 'pain syndrome with psychological factors' for kicks. What the heck, lets toss in a load of every weed and grass pollen imaginable for the summer seasonal allergies thing and pretend it's not developing into a sinus infection with ear pain.

This year has been fun. Look at me, I'm hurtling down the long dip part on the roller coaster, wheeeeee. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm still more functional in many ways than I have been in the last ten years and I'm still at the advantage and have the upper hand on progress that I've made, but reality mocks with OH nonono *tsk* don't you dare forget what got you here in the first place, and then it looks at me like I got caught red-handed in the cookie jar.

My entire nervous system hurts and has been hurting like this for months. It's really rare for me to reach the nausea stage with pain because I am so used to living like this that it's almost just background lawn furniture, but last couple of weeks I'm this close to hurling just opening my eyeballs in the mornings. If I could describe this succinctly, I'd say this is as close to a full body migraine as it gets.

I am writing this down for posterity. I'm not in a whiny mood at all. I'm not feeling pissy or sad or worried. This is a good morning to write it because I'm actually impatient to get back onto the game server and go 'do something', which means I'm having to use actual brain to focus and not just dump.

Here comes super honesty. I'm glad this is happening. Before this crescendoed, I was in a depression rut for months last year. Even feeling much better than this, I was barely able to get past my daily basic chores because I kept face planting into lost time and ennui. This pain grind focuses me, forces me to cope and deal, challenges me to keep up. I like this me. I like that I'm actually keeping up and not face planting.

And since I'm getting to use my brain without the depression in the way (thank you, engaged pain receptors), I'm doing a better job lately with daily planning, list ticcing, lining up my thoughts about things to come kind of stuff. I feel like I'm balancing my days better, helping my family balance better. The last few months haven't been easy around here, and I feel like we're developing into a smooth machine. I like it.

Going forward. Five years ago around this time I was a nervous wreck coming back out public. Four years ago around this time I was a stress mess juggling 2 new grandbabies with a surgery and a huge server move corroding my work goals to powder. Three years ago around this time I was going through more histamine blowouts and on emergency steroid rescues again. Two years ago around this time I was plowing through years of emotional wall backup and processing with my psychologist. Last year around this time I was deep in a game server feeling lost. THIS YEAR- I'm on a self-appointed countdown now. I'm emotionally exhausted and numb and don't care any more about trepidations and what ifs and suddenly #allthethings falling into place and if I really do this, then the whole plan is just rolling itself out now because either I'm that great at pre-planning around unforeseen fails or I really don't give a crap any more and it's just going to happen. I'd say come hell or high water, but Missouri has flooded several times this year and my pain level has become too ridiculous to even describe, plus more people in my house and someone died next door OH I forgot, found out yesterday a kid up the street OD'd on heroin. 18, guys. I've far outlived an 18 year old, and I wouldn't trade all my pain and hardships for one single hit like that. I feel really bad for his family.

Anyway, yeah, that's my day today. My one spoon is a 2-pronged BBQ fork. Just dive outa my way and I won't have to jab anybody over a flaming grill.